Adventures In Babysitting Read online

  "I'm telling," Argus threatened.

  "Good, you do that," Sady replied as she mainlined ice cream straight from the carton. She stopped long enough to hand him a pencil and paper. With narrowed eyes she asked, "Now do you want to write this down to tell your mom or have some ice cream?" Argus tossed the pencil and paper, eagerly accepting the bowl Sady offered.

  After Bea finished Sady cleaned her up and pulled her from the booster chair. Matt sat in the living room with a beer while he watched the game on TV. Sady plunked the baby on his lap. "Hey, what's up? I thought we'd split this up- you watch the girl and I'll watch the boy."

  Sady’s placed her hands on her hips. "Yeah, well, I just watched them both and I need to hose down the kitchen. There's ice cream everywhere. You hold her while I clean and check the list. I'm sure there must be some activity scheduled for them."

  Ten minutes later she was back and Matt wasn't happy. She looked at the TV. Michigan was winning so something else was wrong. He lifted Bea, and Sady saw the wet spot on his jeans.

  Argus snickered. "You're supposed to ask her if she needs the potty," he explained like they were stupid. "If you don't ask she just goes."

  "You think?" Matt asked rudely while Sady tried not to laugh. Matt stood up and handed Bea to Sady. "You take her while I go change."

  "I know where you live, so you have five minutes," Sady threatened. She took Bea to the bathroom and set her on the little potty.

  "Don't gotta pee," Bea insisted. Finally Sady took her off the potty, cleaned her, and put on fresh clothes.

  When they returned to the living room Argus was in Matt's chair holding his beer can with a grin. The door opened and Matt came in. Sady chewed him a new one for leaving the beer can while Argus stuck out his tongue at Matt.

  "Hey, it was empty," Matt defended himself.

  "That's no excuse," she scolded. "No more alcohol for the duration. And I mean it!"

  One look at her red face and Matt peeled the empty beer can away from Argus. He smashed it and threw it in the trash.

  "There's a ten cent deposit on that can," Argus scolded him. "Since you smashed it you should have at least rinsed it and put it with the other aluminum for recycling."

  "How old are you?" Matt asked him.

  "I'm five but my intelligence is advanced for my age," he replied smugly.

  "I thought you were an adult midget," Matt said, earning a glower from Argus.

  Bea raced around the apartment with the TV remote. When Matt tried to take it from her, she screamed and pointed. "Go," she yelled at him.

  "Just see if you can get the game on," Matt asked Sady. Bea screamed "Go" at Sady when she tried to fetch the remote.

  "Guess you'll have to find it on the radio," Sady said with a shrug.

  "This weekend's gone straight to hell faster than... ouch! Will you stop snapping my head?" he asked with a clenched jaw.

  "Stop swearing in front of the children," she told him. "Were you raised in a barn? They'll need to be de-programmed after a few days with you."

  Bea screamed again, "Go!"

  Sady turned to Argus. "Do you know what she is talking about?"

  "Hell, yes," Argus answered her. Sady's mouth dropped, and she flicked Matt again.

  "That's not a good word," Sady reprimanded. "Now what does Bea want?"

  "She's been saying she needs to poop," Argus announced.

  Sady sniffed the air. Too late. “Hell’s bells,” she snapped.

  Matt laughed as she herded Bea off to the potty for another futile and too late bathroom session. A half hour later Sady and a freshly bathed Bea came out of the bathroom.

  Chapter 3

  Argus looked up from his book and Matt flipped his eyes from the game for a second. "I was starting to worry. Another hour and I'd have called 911," he said.

  "It was easier to hose her down," Sady explained with a shell-shocked look on her face. "Do you have any idea how far just one little dab of..."

  "TMI," Matt yelled, interrupting her.

  "You need to rinse the poopy underpants off in the toilet, then put them in the special pail," Argus told her. Sady just handed Bea to Matt and followed orders. She stumbled back with glazed eyes.

  "Do you still have that skull and crossbones liquor?" she asked Matt. "The one that knocked me off my feet?"

  "Tut, tut. We have rules in this house," he teased.

  "I wasn't thinking about this house. I'm going to take your key and barricade myself in your apartment until this is finished."

  "Thanks for the head's up. I'll hide my key. Now I've been looking over the list their mom left. How about coloring? That sounds safe, doesn't it?"

  Sady narrowed her eyes, "Safe for whom?"

  "Don't be paranoid, Morrow. We can all color. Argus knows where everything is, don't you?" Argus nodded and ran from the room. He returned with an armful of coloring books and a box in his other hand.

  "See, we can color at the table," Matt told Sady, putting Bea in her booster seat and handing her a book and crayons.

  Kristen must like coloring with her children, Sady thought. She had two adult coloring books with detailed designs. Matt grabbed the abstract book and left the butterflies to Sady. She didn't care. The kids were quiet for once and she found coloring soothing.

  Bea screamed five minutes later. "Where's her crayons?" Sady asked Matt. He shrugged and gave her a few more.

  "Argus, can I use that black marker for a minute?" Sady asked. There was no response, and she looked up with a shriek of horror. Matt looked and laughed. Sady grabbed the marker from Argus and turned to Matt. "This isn't funny! That's a permanent marker." Matt laughed harder and pulled his head back when Sady threatened to give him another smack.

  "Okay, Mr. Let's All Color because it’s safe," she said. "You go clean him." Matt quit laughing.

  He flicked his eyes to Sady. "What am I supposed to use? Can you use bleach on a kid?"

  "Suppose I draw a goatee and mustache on you so you can find out?" she asked tartly.

  "It won't wash off," Argus said gleefully. "It has to wear off." He used his fingers to twirl his drawn on mustache.

  "Where did you get a permanent marker?" Sady asked.

  Argus glared defiantly and refused to answer. "I guess he's all yours," Sady told Matt just before she squeaked in dismay. Matt looked to see what caught her attention.

  Bea sat in her booster with a half-eaten crayon in her hand. She had a crayon dangling out each nostril. Sady stood up flipping over her chair. "We have to get her to the emergency room," she shouted.

  Argus tapped her on the arm. "Nah, she always does that. She'll poop crayon pieces for a few days, but she chews them up good. You just need to make sure it doesn't plug up the toilet or it will overflow." As if to prove his point Bea grinned and showed them her crayon coated teeth. Sady looked close and breathed a sigh of relief.

  "It looks like she's only eaten part of the blue one she's holding," she said. "Coloring time has ended." She told Matt to help Argus clean up the table. When they finished, she had Matt help him return the items to their place while she took Bea to the bathroom and made her sit on her potty for fifteen minutes.

  "What's for supper?" Matt asked when they finished.

  Sady glared. "Whatever you feel like ordering. Just remember if they don't eat it you'll have to find them something else. Come here." She hauled Matt to the kitchen and opened a cabinet. It was full of sprouts, shoots, stalks, greens, leaves, petals, and beans. "Better get them something they like," she warned.

  "Pizza," he said pulling out his phone.

  "We don't eat processed meats," Argus told him. Matt rolled his eyes and ordered a vegetarian pizza for the kids, later watching in horrified fascination as they ate it.

  After pizza Sady parked Matt in a living room chair, put Bea on his lap, and ordered Argus to sit on the couch. "Don't any of you move an inch," she threatened.

  "Aw, you sound like my mom," Argus complained.

  "Good," Sady snapp
ed. She found the most irritating cartoon on cable. Then she grabbed a handful of Matt's hair. "Everything had better be exactly like this when I get back," she warned. "I'm cleaning and putting away the leftovers, understand?" He nodded, and she narrowed her eyes for emphasis. Sady took the TV remote to the kitchen while she cleaned.

  Matt looked haggard by the time she finished. The kids stared at the TV and Matt twitched every time the cartoon character spoke. A nervous tic in his jaw kept time with the cartoon voice. "What time do they go to bed?" he asked in a strangled voice.

  "Eight," Sady said with a knowing look at Argus when he said nine. He shrugged and smiled.

  Matt looked at the clock in desperation. "It's only seven. What do we do until then?"

  Sady slammed herself down on the couch. "We watch cartoons." By seven thirty she was twitching. She slapped her hand over her left eye and told Matt to give Argus his bedtime bath. Matt almost threw Bea at Sady and pulled the protesting Argus away from the TV. He returned covered with bath water but no longer twitching. He looked at Sady's face. "What's wrong now?"

  "What am I supposed to do at night?" she whispered.

  "Uh, sleep?" he suggested, and she shook her head, pointing to Bea.

  "Do I have to get her up every hour to use the bathroom?" Sady asked.

  "She has diapers to wear at night, don't you baby BB?" Argus asked, making Bea scream again.

  "Get him out of here or I'm taking a header off the balcony," Sady threatened in a whisper to Matt. He laughed and covered Argus' mouth with his hand as he pushed him down the hall to his room.

  Sady put Bea on her potty before getting her ready for bed. One look at Bea's cloth diapers had Sady yelling for Matt. He poked his head into Bea's room, afraid to enter.

  Sady pointed to the cloth diapers. "No. Absolutely not. YOU are going to the store to buy disposables."

  "Wrong," he answered. "I do not buy diapers, understand?"

  "Works for me," Sady retorted. "In the morning you have diaper changing duty then."

  He gave her an acid look. "Why can't you go buy them?"

  "Happy to," she said. "You realize that means you have to babysit them both while I'm gone, right?"

  He gave her a grudging look, knowing she'd won. "Fine. What kind do I get?"

  Sady snorted. "You're a big boy. Read the box." Sady took Bea to the bathroom and weighed her, telling Matt to get diapers for a child that weight. He grumbled as he grabbed his keys and wallet. When he sat to put on his shoes, the grumbling ended with a shout of pain. Sady raced to check on him.

  "What's wrong?" she asked, her eyes big with worry. Matt hopped on one foot while holding the other, trying to stay upright. He leaned against the wall and pointed to the shoe on the floor.

  Sady picked it up and a pile of sharp, pointy jacks spilled out. She chuckled as she shook out the rest and handed Matt his shoe. The ball was in his other shoe.

  "Those things are lethal," he yelled. "I didn't even know you could still buy them. They should be illegal."

  "You keep yelling and I'm going to leave you here," Sady threatened. "Man up, shut up, and get going."

  "Someone's going to pay for this," he threatened as he left. A half hour later Sady paced anxiously. As she prepared to blow up his cell phone he opened the front door.

  "Did you buy everything in the store?" she asked, looking at all the boxes he dropped.

  "You figure it out," he said sounding bewildered. "There were so many I just grabbed an assortment."

  "Drr, Matt! Blue box- hello? Does she look like a boy?"

  "What difference does that make?" he asked with a scowl.

  "I thought you knew the difference by now. And I don't think she’ll use 102 newborn diapers either," Sady laughed. "It's a good thing no one sent you into the women's aisle for feminine products."

  He flushed and said, "I'd kill myself first." He looked over the diapers and handed a package to Sady. "What's wrong with these?"

  She examined the label and grabbed Bea by the hand. "These look fine," she agreed. A minute later she called Matt to help her.

  "I am NOT going back for more diapers," he warned, entering Bea's room. "What's wrong?"

  "How do these work?" Sady asked. "I already ruined one trying to put it on. As soon as she stood up, it fell off."

  "You're a big girl. Read the box," he replied jokingly. Seeing the look on her face he continued, "Just kidding. I'll read the box." Two adults and two diapers later Bea was ready for bed.

  Both children insisted on a bedtime story. Argus tried to convince them to read until he fell asleep but Sady had looked at the schedule and shook her head. He gave another shrug and smile. "I have to try," he explained.

  It was almost ten before the children dropped off to sleep. Sady looked at her phone for the first time since arriving at the Davis apartment. She laughed and showed Matt the selfie Amanda took with Morrow. Amanda must have gone to the game prepared because she had Morrow painted maize and blue. John appeared as shocked as they felt. "I'm printing this one," Sady told Matt as she flopped back down on the couch.

  She soon fell asleep and Matt left her there. He checked on the kids then helped himself to the master bedroom. He and Sady bolted up at the bloodcurdling scream that ripped through the apartment two hours later. Hearts pounding they rushed to check on the kids. Bea shrieked at the top her lungs. When asked Argus said, "She does that sometimes. You just need to rock her back to sleep."

  Bea refused to let Sady do so. She insisted Matt rock her. Sady giggled. "That's what you get for leaving me on the couch and hogging the bed. Night, night!" She left Matt rocking Bea in her room and returned to the couch.

  Bea soon quieted and Sady went to check on her. She and Matt were sleeping in the rocking chair. Sady eased the sleeping child from Matt's arms and put her back in bed, covering her.

  Then she went over and put her hand over Matt's mouth while she whispered in his ear, "If you make a single noise to wake that baby I'll make you pay for the rest of your life. Now go get some sleep so you can be useful tomorrow."

  "You really know how to whisper sweet nothings in a guy's ear, don't you?" he teased, and she gave him a shove down the hall.

  "Just pray we still have ears when this is over," she said and went back to the couch.

  Chapter 4

  Sady's eyes flew open. Three sets of eyes stared back, and she sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

  "Kind of creepy, isn't it?" Matt asked. "They woke me up the same way."

  "Have you checked to see if there's anything edible for breakfast?" Sady asked.

  "I haven't had a chance, but I'll check now." He grabbed Argus and hauled him to the kitchen.

  Sady picked up Bea and took her to the bathroom, sitting her on the potty. Thank goodness she had only wet her diaper and not messed it. Sady gave her a quick bath and dressed her for the day.

  Matt poked his head into Bea's room and shook his head at Sady. Sady pulled her key and gave it to Matt. "Get cereal and milk from my apartment. Make sure it doesn't have sugar," she warned.

  After Matt left she turned to Argus. "Do you need help to get ready?" He was still in his pajamas.

  "I am ready for the day," he said with a smile as she shook her head and ruffled his hair. He ran down the hall to his room and came back five minutes later dressed for the day. Sady opened the door for Matt and he set the milk and a couple boxes of cereal on the table.

  "Mom always cooks our breakfast," Argus said.

  "Fine. Do you want your cereal cold or microwaved?" Sady asked. He sat down with a thump and said he'd eat it cold.

  "I'm taking a fast shower," Sady told Matt. "I expect the same scene of domestic peace and tranquility when I get out, understand?" He nodded and told her to hurry if she wanted any of the good cereal.

  There was no screaming when she turned off the water after her shower. It was still quiet while she dressed. She realized the silence was as unnerving as the screaming. She flew out of the bathroom an
d gratefully saw they sat at the table.

  She ate while Matt took his shower and dressed for the day. Sady studied the list and the kids. "We need to get out of here," she told Matt when he returned. "Do you think it would be okay to take them to the park?"

  As soon as the kids heard park it didn't matter what Matt thought. They were going, and that was it. Sady checked Kristen's list of supplies to take to the park.

  "It's like a camping trip," she told Matt. "If I have to pack all this, we'll never get there." She turned and Argus handed her a bag.

  "Is everything in there?" she asked him.

  He nodded and replied, "Except the water." Sady grabbed four bottles of water and shoved them in the bag. Then she took Bea to the bathroom. They both smiled when they came out.

  Matt snickered and said to Sady, "Good girl." Bea grinned and took his hand while Sady gave him an arch look.

  They walked a few blocks to the park. It was a nice day and already there were many families at the playground. "I'm glad they have red hair," Sady said as she followed the kids. "They are easy to spot."

  Matt stepped back and checked the area surrounding the playground. He scoped the people there, matching kids with adults.

  Sady pushed the kids on swings and helped Bea on the slide. After Matt was sure it was safe, he came to help. They asked him to spin them on the merry-go-round. They begged for more each time he gave them a twirl, pushing harder each time. "I'm not sure that's a good idea," Sady warned.

  "Okay, one last time," he told them with a laugh. He gave them a good spin, and while Argus yelled with glee Bea screamed as she puked. The barf spewed out from the merry-go-round, spraying everyone within spitting distance. Soon other kids screamed and the parents gave Matt and Sady the evil eye.

  Matt grabbed Argus and pushed him toward Sady. He picked up Bea and shuddered. "What about the merry-go-round?" Sady asked. "We can't leave it like that."

  "Shut up and run," Matt said. Sady took another look at the group of angry parents and didn't argue. She took Argus by the hand as they rushed from the park. They were winded when they reached the apartment building. The security guard on duty held his nose and after they passed he sprayed air freshener.