Adventures In Babysitting Page 3

  "And you didn't listen to me, why?" Sady sighed as the elevator lifted them to the seventh floor.

  "I hoped it would reach escape velocity," he said sounding serious.

  "I'm hungry," Bea announced.

  "She always pukes on the merry-go-round," Argus informed them. Sady resisted the urge to slap her forehead in frustration. When they got off she realized how bad the elevator must smell.

  "Hold it while I get the air freshener," she told Matt. She found a can in Kristen's bathroom and gave the elevator a healthy dose of spray. She pushed the CLOSE button and hopped out. Looking at them she told Matt, "This is a living nightmare."

  The kids needed baths. She and Matt changed clothes, then bathed the children. Sady dumped the pukey clothes into the washer, not caring if she had to pick chunks out of the machine later. She'd run them through twice if necessary. If she smelled it much longer, she would be sick herself.

  After an eternity they were all clean. Sady took a black marker and struck playground/park off the list. She rubbed the back of her neck with a sigh and asked, "How are we going to survive?"

  "Lunch first," Matt said.

  "Well, we can't take them anywhere since we don't have booster seats for the car. Any suggestions?" she asked.

  "Yeah, call Amanda." When Sady grabbed her phone he yelled, "Hey, I wasn't serious!"

  Bea yelled, "Go." Sady pointed at Matt and he huffed as he took Bea and set her on the potty. His expression was frosty when he returned.

  "You did that on purpose," he accused Sady.

  "Did she mess in her pants?" she asked.

  "No."

  "Then I didn't do it on purpose. Now find some paper plates. Amanda's bringing lunch."

  Argus spoke up, "Our mom doesn't use paper plates." Sady said the last four words in unison with Argus.

  "Do you have paper plates?" she asked Matt.

  "Why? If it needs a plate, it needs a real one. Like for a steak. Hot dogs and pizza don't need anything but a paper towel." Sady shook her head and sent another text to Amanda.

  Chapter 5

  A half hour later Amanda knocked on the door. "I brought a Lucky Lunch and a Delightful Dinner for the kids."

  "Who are you?" Argus demanded.

  "I'm the lunch lady." She pointed to Matt. "And you'll keep your mouth shut if you want your lunch."

  "Hey, I was just going to ask what you brought the rest of us," he said defensively.

  "Uh, huh. Just for that Sady and I get dibs and you get what's left." Amanda took the bags to the table while Sady rounded up the kids.

  "What is it?" Argus asked when he saw the meal.

  Amanda’s brow rose. "It's food."

  "I don't like how it looks," Argus told her.

  "Fine." Amanda snatched the burger Matt was about to eat and handed it to Argus. She set the Delightful Dinner in front of Matt.

  "Is this meat processed?" Argus asked Amanda.

  "No. It's 100% natural and organic. No fillers or additives," she lied. "Same with those fries. Do you know how much organic French fries cost?" Argus shook his head and Amanda muttered, "Me neither."

  Bea refused to eat her Lucky Lunch so Amanda traded it for Matt's Delightful Dinner.

  "Am I ever going to get to eat?" he asked.

  "Stop being so picky," Amanda suggested. Matt's face turned red when he looked in the food bag.

  "Can you explain what's so lucky about this lunch?" he asked.

  Amanda looked in his bag. "I guess me and Sady," she answered with a laugh.

  Matt pulled out an anemic looking hot dog, shriveled, and wrinkled. The bun dwarfed the dog.

  "That looks familiar," Amanda said thoughtfully. "Oh, I remember. The guy at the Renaissance Fair." She nudged Matt. "You remember- the flasher?"

  "Well, there goes lunch," Matt said with a scowl, as he dropped the hot dog in distaste. "I'll never be able to eat one again. Thanks, Amanda."

  "Hey, don't blame me. It's not my fault..." Sady nudged Amanda and nodded at the kids. "It's not my fault you're such a picky eater," she finished. "Here, have an organic fry."

  Matt looked outraged and Sady shook with laughter. She handed him the rest of her burger.

  "You ate half of it," he complained.

  "And you watched. It was good too," she said.

  "Is he always this bad about food?" Amanda asked Sady. "Even the kids aren't making that much of a fuss."

  "That's because you gave them my food," he said through gritted teeth.

  "No appreciation, Stubbles. That's your problem. I bring you free food and all you do is gripe."

  "Well, I might not mind if it hadn't been fingered by half the people in here before it got to me. As for that so called hot dog... you should demand a refund on that. It looks more like a cocktail weenie."

  Amanda huffed. "That's because it's a kid's meal, Stubbles. It's not supposed to choke them when they take a bite."

  "Yeah, well, a bite is about all they'll get. Calling it a hot dog is false advertising. They're selling a bun with a bit of dog in it."

  "I thought you weren't eating hot dogs anymore," Amanda said.

  "I'm not. It's the principle of the matter. Actually, it's more like I'm still hungry. Are you going to finish those fries?" He reached across the table and Amanda moved her plate. Bea pulled a mushy, slobbery fry from her mouth and offered it to Matt.

  "Our mom says it's polite to take what a child offers. It encourages generosity," Argus told him. Matt turned white when he remembered what was in Bea's mouth a short time ago. Sady and Amanda snickered, but Sady wasn't go to let him escape the asylum by getting sick.

  "Why don't we all give Matt a fry?" she suggested. She grabbed a fry from each plate and palmed Bea's second hand offering. Matt looked relieved, and she mouthed, "You SO owe me!"

  "See what all the whining caused?" Amanda asked. She fluffed her hair and said, "You didn't ask how the game went."

  Matt growled. "I know how it went because I watched it... on TV."

  "Well, Uncle Sam and I had a good time. After a couple beers he unwound and let his hair down. I could run with him if he let himself go more often."

  "Is that when you painted him?" Matt asked.

  "He did need a little convincing. But the guys behind us helped," she admitted. "He even stood in for one of them. I don't remember which letter he was though." She pulled out her phone and flipped through her pictures. "Here he is, the letter G."

  Matt grabbed the phone and slapped his thigh. "How many beers did that take?" He passed the phone to Sady. Uncle John had a big G painted on his shirt and posed for OGLE, GLOB, and BUGLE.

  "I'm not sure," Amanda said. "He had a couple before we even made it to the seats."

  "I bet he did," Matt said under his breath.

  "Are you implying something?" Amanda asked with narrowed eyes. "Because there are still a few home games, but if you're being rude..."

  "I just meant he'd have to be feeling pretty good for this to happen," Matt improvised quickly, pointing to the pictures.

  "Good save," Sady hissed, and he grinned broadly.

  The kids grew restless so Sady and Amanda cleaned them up and left Matt to take care of the clearing the table. Amanda surprised them when she asked if the kids had games to play. "Hey, I have nieces and nephews," she said. She and Sady played games with them for about a half hour. "Do they take naps?" Amanda asked. Argus shook his head vehemently and Sady retrieved the list.

  "Nice try, Argus, but I can still read it," she told him. "It's high on the list too."

  "I'm too old for a nap," he complained.

  "Yeah, well, your naps are for the adults, not you. Now go brush your teeth and use the bathroom," she told him. She poked Matt and told him to go make sure he didn't skip brushing his teeth.

  She took Bea and set her on the potty, then helped her brush her teeth. Bea didn't complain about her nap but Matt had his hands full settling Argus. He came out looking frustrated. "Are there any sedatives on that list?
" he asked in exasperation.

  Amanda shook her head. "Rookie. I'll take care of this." She left the living room and returned in less than three minutes.

  "Where's Argus?" Matt asked.

  "He's taking his nap. I told him if he didn't settle down then for each minute he acted up I would make him stay there an extra five minutes when he woke up."

  "I don't believe you," Matt said.

  "Go look," Amanda suggested. Matt poked his head into Argus' room. He wasn't sleeping, but he was laying quietly.

  "What are you doing tomorrow?" Matt asked Amanda.

  "Oh, no you don't," Sady interrupted. "You aren’t pawning your responsibilities off on Amanda. Besides, she works Monday."

  "Sorry, Stubbles, but she's right."

  "Why don't you stay out of my business?" he asked Sady.

  "She's my friend. She tolerates you," Sady said with a sniff.

  Amanda interrupted before they squabbled. "Sady, I need to know how you got to be so good at juggling and throwing. That stuff you did at the Renaissance Festival?"

  Matt looked at her as well. He was twice the recipient of her pitching accuracy.

  "I spent a week at a triple A, minor league, baseball pitching camp when I was eighteen. It was the runner-up prize in one of the beauty pageants." She smiled, her brown eyes sparkling with mischief.

  "How come you didn't win first prize?" Matt demanded.

  "I broke a nail during the evening gown round," she replied.

  "You broke a...?" Matt showed confusion.

  "Nine blood-red nails will let you down every time," Sady said with satisfaction. "The judges don't like it when something is out of place." Matt narrowed his eyes, and she gave him a quick grin and shrugged her shoulders.

  "First prize was a trip to Disney World... again. The runner-up prize was way better. The juggling, card tricks, and music are all recycled talent show entries. I was a wandering minstrel one year. I wanted to be Robin Hood, but they didn't allow weapons that year so I had to make do."

  "Good thing for you she wasn't William Tell," Amanda told Matt. She stopped to sniff the air. "What's that smell?" she asked, wrinkling her nose. Sady spun toward the hall where Bea stood watching them. Sady looked at Matt hopefully.

  "Oh, no! I just did bathroom duty with her. Your turn again," he said sounding happy.

  "You owe me for the fry, remember?" She could tell he hoped she forgot.

  He turned to Amanda. "You're good with kids. Will you take Bea to the bathroom?"

  Amanda snorted. "Nope. You just don't have enough going for you. Now if you had something to offer in return I might consider it."

  Matt pushed Amanda toward Bea. "I'll think of something, I promise."

  "I doubt you'll be able to afford it," Amanda replied, then she slapped her hand over her nose. "Little girl, let's get you cleaned up before the building needs to be evacuated." She grabbed Bea's hand and took her to the bathroom.

  "I wonder why Bea didn't say anything," Sady asked.

  "We aren't supposed to interrupt adult conversation when company is visiting," Argus yelled from his room.

  "Wow, this whole nap thing is turning out swell. I wonder if it would be okay for me to take the nap and leave the kids up?" she asked Matt.

  "Oh, no. You're not going to leave them both with me."

  "It was just a thought. No need to blow out your fuse box," she told him.

  Amanda came back, dragging Bea with her. From his room Argus yelled, "Did you remember to rinse her mess out in the toilet?"

  "Yeah, of course I did," Amanda yelled back. She shook her head at Matt. "Bathroom trash needs to be changed- now. Make sure your check that little underwear tag so when you buy replacements you can get the right size. Oh, don't forget the receipt, Stubbles, or you won't get reimbursed."

  Sady looked down at Bea and asked Amanda, "Why is she wearing a diaper?"

  "Uh, uh. You did not just ask me that question! After what we smelled? If this little girl doesn't know when it's time to head for the little room when she feels the need, then she stays in diapers."

  "I'm telling," Argus threatened from his room.

  "Little man, get yourself out here," Amanda commanded. When Argus appeared in the living room she said, "You do that and I'll slap you in a diaper. Do you have a problem with it now?" She narrowed her eyes and Argus shook his head.

  Matt walked past carrying a small garbage bag and holding his nose. He opened the apartment door. "Wait. Where do you think you're going?" Sady asked.

  "To see if there's an incinerator. If not, this bag is going to the dumpster."

  "Hang on, then. I'm getting that... other item... because there's no way it can be cleaned now." Sady found a plastic spoon and trash bag in the kitchen, then went to the bathroom to retrieve yesterday's messed underpants. She lifted the lid to the pail and nearly passed out. She slammed down the lid, shoved the pail in the trash bag, and ran for the front door.

  "Hang on, I forgot something." She handed her trash bag to Matt and ran back for a can of air freshener. "Okay, now we can go."

  "We'll be back," she hollered to Amanda as she and Matt rushed out the door.

  As the door closed they could hear Amanda, "Now Uncle Sam's gonna owe me too- big time. Hey, you two, park it!"

  Chapter 6

  "Do you think it's okay to leave her alone with them?" Sady asked Matt as they entered the elevator.

  "I'd say the odds are about even," he grinned as they rode down to the lobby.

  They exited and Sady said, "Maybe I should freshen it now, just in case." She blew half a can of spray into the elevator and shut the door. Over at the security desk the guard on duty looked disgusted when he smelled the bags.

  "No incinerator," he told them. "You'll have to use the dumpster behind the parking garage." Matt and Sady took the bags through the garage and out back.

  Sady lifted the lid to the dumpster and fanned it up and down a few times.

  "What are you doing?" Matt asked her.

  "Getting some fresh air. That baby should come with a warning label." She gingerly dropped her bag into the dumpster and it exploded on impact. "Run," she screamed to Matt. "Kristen uses those biodegradable bags, and these probably expired!"

  The smell wafting from the dumpster was overwhelming. Matt tossed his bag, slammed the lid, and they ran for the safety of the exhaust fumes in the parking garage. They entered the lobby as the elevator doors opened. A couple got out coughing and gasping for air. "Who the hell gassed the elevator again?" the man choked out to his wife as they passed.

  His wife said, "This used to be such a nice place to live." Before leaving the building they glared at the security guard like it was his fault.

  Matt hauled Sady across the lobby and pushed the button. "We're waiting for the fresh one," he told her. The guard gave them a mean look as the door to the fresh elevator opened. Matt grinned at him as the doors closed.

  "Did you see how red his face got?" Sady asked Matt. "I don't think that was a good idea."

  "Maybe not, but it felt good," he admitted, earning a smack on the arm from Sady.

  "Not nice," she told him. "Next time I see him I'm going to give him some cookies or something."

  "Try a piece of raw meat," he suggested.

  "I'll just shove you over his way. He..." the doors opened before she could finish her sentence. Amanda stood in the hallway with her arms folded. Both children sat on the floor beside her.

  "You two have a nice vacation?" she asked with narrowed eyes. "Did your pre-lunch conversation go something like this? 'Hey, let's invite Amanda up. She can bring lunch and then we can play a twisted version of The Ransom of Red Chief.' Am I close? Oh, let's not forget the diaper change to end all diaper changes. That girl is all intestines."

  She held up her hand as she changed places with them. "Don't bother to apologize. I already have you," she pointed at Matt, "and Uncle Sam on the hook. Tell Harry he just joined the game. How do you like Twister?" she asked Matt as
the doors closed. Sady burst out laughing at the thought of the three men playing Twister with Amanda.

  "That's seriously not funny," Matt sounded shaken.

  "I think it is. But I'll let you break the news to Harry. He'll feel better knowing he's not the only one," she giggled, motioning for the children to follow her to the apartment. The kids stared at them when they got inside.

  "What now?" Matt asked Sady. She grabbed the list and Matt leaned over her shoulder to read it.

  "Maybe something educational?" she asked, running her finger down the page to the lessons Kristen listed. "Maybe not! Latin, ornithology, entomology, geography? These kids will be geniuses."

  "How about that one?" Matt pointed to the anatomy lesson. "You could model." He moved in time to avoid the elbow Sady sent his way.

  "This sounds fun," Sady pointed to an item on the list. Matt scowled and shook his head. "Oh, come on- I know you can dance," she teased.

  "Not like a pre-schooler," he said.

  "Tough. We're out of options and I'm not even going to lower myself to suggest anatomy," she said with a glare. Turning to the kids she clapped her hands. "Time for music," she told them enthusiastically. "Song and dance." She looked through the DVD's and picked one she knew Matt would hate, popping it into the player.

  She and Bea bopped to the music, singing with the lyrics that danced across the bottom of the screen. Sady looked at Argus with a frown. "Why aren't you joining us?"

  "He's doesn't have to do it," Argus said, pointing to Matt.

  "Real men don't dance like that," Matt complained.

  "Yeah, real men don't dance like that," Argus repeated, standing beside Matt with his arms folded.

  "Is that so?" Sady asked Matt with a look of warning.

  "Come on, Sady. Where's your sense of dignity, your self respect?" he pleaded.

  "It went down the toilet when I rinsed out those messy undies yesterday. Now get up and start moving. I don't care if you do push-ups or stand on your head, understand? I better see those lips moving as well. If you have something to say other than what's on the screen, it had better be silent. Or would you like me to call Amanda for help?"