Adventures In Babysitting Read online

  Argus looked up at Matt, then he deflated as Matt moved to the front of the TV. "What happened to the real man?" he asked.

  Matt gave him a sorry look. "He just got over-ruled by the real woman. Get used to it, kid. Your life will become a lot easier." Sady hid her smile as she turned back and took the DVD off pause.

  "Oh, look," she exclaimed. "Here's one you should know," she told Matt. "The Hokey-Pokey. And the chicken dance! Aren't you feeling lucky, Matt? You won't have to sing to the chicken dance. It's just music."

  Matt's lips moved through the whole humiliating DVD and not one word came from the prompts that passed along the bottom of the screen. He smiled at Sady and Bea having fun as they bounced and giggled together.

  When the DVD finished, he grabbed Sady's arm and whispered, "We're even for the slobbery fry incident. If you so much as mention this episode to... anyone I swear I'll take your car and total it."

  Sady's Mustang was off limits and he knew it. Her eyes narrowed. "If you so much as scratch Justin you'll be sorry."

  "Justin? You named your car... Justin? What kind of stupid name is that? And who names their car?" he scoffed.

  Sady sniffed. "It's a hot name to go with my hot car. Everyone knows you name hot cars."

  "Maybe females do that." He turned to Argus and said, "Real men don't name their cars."

  "Even if they get over-ruled by the females?" Argus looked confused. Sady snickered and showed Bea how to high five. Sady then sent her over to Matt. She raised her little hand, and he shook his head at Sady, then smiled as he gave in to Bea.

  Argus gave Matt a serious look. "Did we just lose again?"

  Matt ruffled his red hair. "No, kid. You just learned the art of compromise. Another important life lesson when it comes to dealing with women."

  Before he could get himself into more trouble, his phone buzzed. He took a call from Harry. He was grinning when the conversation ended. "They are bringing Mrs. Davis by for a visit with her children. And they are bringing dinner." This time he and Sady high fived.

  He whispered, "Harry’s as desperate we are."

  Matt was right. When CJ and Harry arrived with Mrs. Davis her mouth still ran non-stop. CJ removed her ear plugs and Harry's eyes had the glazed look Sady wore after the underwear rinsing incident.

  The kids ran to hug their mom, and the team took a few minutes to decompress. Sady waved her hand in front of Harry's face. "Is he coherent?" she asked CJ.

  "Barely," CJ laughed. "I told him to bring ear plugs, but would he listen to me?"

  "Maybe it isn't the best time to tell him he's on Amanda's hit list," Matt said.

  "What, is this hate on Harry week?" Harry asked them. He glared at CJ. "I'm taking those ear plugs when we get out of here."

  She snorted. "You can try. Good luck, you'll need it."

  "I see why her husband volunteers for foreign assignments," Harry spilled, completely out of character.

  "Harry!" CJ scolded him in a hushed voice. "You know you can't talk about him."

  "It gets ugly when the chips are down, doesn't it?" Matt asked Harry in sympathy.

  "I didn't see you rinsing messy undies in the toilet, did I?" Sady asked Matt.

  Harry's jaw dropped. "You can keep the earplugs," he told CJ. "I need to hear more of the Misadventures of Matt and Sady."

  Before he could pry any information out of them Kristen returned and announced it was time to eat. She took food out of the bags.

  "Who ordered?" Sady hissed at CJ with a worried look.

  "She ordered for her family. We ordered separately." CJ pushed Matt and Sady away as they smothered her with hugs.

  When they sat to eat Argus complained about his food. "I want those organic fries. I don't like this," he told his mother.

  Kristen looked at Sady and Matt. "I didn't know take out organic fries were available. Where did you get them?"

  Matt gave Sady a frantic look, and she improvised. "Uh, well a friend of ours found them. I'm not sure where, but as soon as I know I'll tell you." Don't hold your breath.

  "That would be nice," Kristen replied. She turned back to her children, making them eat the tofu and sprout piles on their plates.

  "I know why the little one smells so bad now," Matt muttered and Sady kicked him under the table. He narrowed his eyes at her. "You know it's true. If you don't I'll remind you when you're rinsing again."

  CJ and Harry tried not to laugh. It wouldn't have mattered. Kristen's children had her full attention and running mouth. She stayed to put them to bed. "Sunday nights are special nights when Daddy is out of town," she explained.

  "What did she mean by special?" Matt hissed, listening to the lullabies Kristen was singing her children. "I bet all the dogs in the neighborhood are howling along."

  "There's a special place reserved for you when you die, Matthew Meadows. Have some respect for motherhood," Sady scolded.

  "I'm waiting in that line right behind her," he said with a snort. "What she's doing could be considered child abuse in most states. Hell, it's abuse period... unless you're deaf."

  Sady looked at Harry and CJ. "See what I've had to put up with for the past day?"

  "Wanna trade?" Harry asked with a desperate gleam in his eye as Kristen hit another sour note.

  "Yeah, we'll trade you the kids for CJ," Matt said with a laugh. "What is that sound?"

  "I think it's Rock-A-Bye Baby," Sady said. "No, wait... it's Itsy Bitsy Spider... or Metallica... maybe." She turned to Matt in awe. "Do you suppose that's why Bea wakes up screaming at night?"

  "No, I think she's trying to sing like her mom," Matt suggested. "Maybe it's Alvin and the Chipmunks. CJ, you could become a rich woman auctioning off those ear plugs right now."

  CJ snickered and shoved them into her ears. "Warn me when it's time to leave," she yelled to Harry.

  Kristen appeared in the living room, all smiles. "Well, that was fun," she said.

  "For whom?" Matt mumbled. Sady pinched his arm, and he whispered, "Oh, yeah. I forgot about the dogs." He moved away before she could pinch him again.

  Harry sadistically pulled a plug out of CJ's ear and put it in his pocket with a wicked grin. "Time to leave, dear."

  They turned to Matt and Sady while Kristen gathered her things.

  "We'll see you in twenty-four hours," CJ told them.

  "If we survive," Harry muttered. CJ shoved him out the door.

  Matt turned to Sady. "You look terrible," he said bluntly.

  "Thanks. I thought I'd sleep better in the bed. Enjoy the couch." She left him with his mouth hanging open as she took the bed for herself.

  Chapter 7

  Sady woke up and looked at the clock. It was two in the morning- what was that sound? Bea hadn't screamed which was good, but something didn't seem right. It was dark in the other rooms so Sady felt her way down the hall to the living room.

  More thumps and bumps, too muffled to be Matt getting a midnight snack. A faint bit of light came through the sliding doors in the living room. Sady could see a man in the room. He was too short to be Matt. Her heart leapt into her throat, wondering if Matt was okay. If so, this guy wouldn't be skulking around the apartment. She moved forward another step, and the man stopped moving as if he sensed her presence.

  Sady panicked. No Matt, a strange man, and two kids that needed protecting. She took a deep breath and frantically launched herself at the man, putting her head down and running straight forward, catching him in the stomach.

  "Oomph!" He went down and Sady's momentum sent her down as well. She landed on top of him. His arms wrapped around her, pinning her to him. One head butt from her and he yelped, releasing her. She scrambled up and grabbed a heavy brass figurine, getting ready to bring it down on the his head.

  A light snapped on and Sady heard Matt ask, "What is going on in here?" He saw what Sady was about to do and grabbed her to prevent her from braining the bloody man on the floor. Matt put Sady aside and reached down to help the man to his feet.

  "What are you doing?" she asked, her temper notching up a couple degrees. "Would you like me to pull out the coffee cake for our guest?"

  Both men turned to look at Sady. Her hair was a mess from her unexpected fall, and she wore a long T-shirt that read BURNED CHIP PICKER. The picture showed a bag of cartoon potato chips, smiling and unbroken. One chip said to another, "You won't get burned with our chips."

  The men laughed at her shirt, and she hefted the brass figurine she still held. "I know you," she exclaimed to the man who wiped his bleeding nose. "You're Arch!"

  The men looked at each other and Matt said, "Time for you to leave." He opened the door and Sady stepped into the opening. She poked Matt in the chest.

  "Not so fast. And you," she glared at the other man. "You have about thirty seconds to tell me why you're here. Then either I use this brass on your head or call my boss. Have a seat, boys." She slammed the apartment door, and they sat.

  She watched them for a moment then she turned on Matt. "You cheated," she accused him in an astonished voice. "You left and had your invisible buddy step in while you took a break." The guilty look on his face spoke volumes.

  Arch looked apprehensive when Sady turned to him. "You're not Arch are you? That's a nickname. Your real name is Tim Archer. I remember you now. You have unpleasant neighbors."

  He looked worried until Sady opened the front door and shooed him out. "You get a pass because you're the one who took care of Leon." He exchanged another look with Matt. Sady waved him off. "I know what I saw even though he tried to take credit for it. Now go before I change my mind."

  Arch headed out the door, and before it closed he said, "You're right, Matt. She does have nice legs. But a lethal head butt, man."

  Sady spun around and Matt held up his hand. "Th
at's a compliment," he explained. At the look on her face he continued, "Not buying it? Maybe you should put that thing down before you hurt someone with it." He took it from her and set it back on the table. She gave him an evil look, and he sighed. "I'm sorry, Sady. I went to my apartment for two hours of sanity napping."

  She looked incredulous. "And you left me down here with a stranger who for all I know was here to kidnap the defenseless in this apartment?"

  He laughed. "You're hardly defenseless. But I'm getting off track, aren't I?" She bugged her eyes, and he said, "You were perfectly safe, Sady. You can trust him as much as you can trust me." She snorted, and he amended his statement, "Okay, you can trust him as much as you do CJ and Harry."

  "Really, Matt? Because I nearly took out your trustworthy backup. A few seconds more and I would have smashed his head. What if the bad guys showed up after that?"

  "You could always flash those legs of yours," he suggested. "Not funny?"

  Bea screamed and Matt rushed from Sady’s accusing eyes. "Duty calls." He fled to check on Bea.

  Sady heard Matt muttering as she passed Bea's room. One whiff and she knew why. She snickered. Matt had diaper duty as well as rocking chair duty. "I will NEVER eat tofu and sprouts," she heard him tell Bea as she closed her door and went back to sleep.

  When she opened her eyes she found the children on the bed staring at her. Matt was right- it was creepy. "Go watch Matt sleep," she suggested, laughing as they tore off to the living room.

  She passed the living room on her way to the kitchen to make coffee. Matt looked like he'd had a bad night. She smiled and pulled up a chair to join the children in staring at him. He lay on his stomach and looked uncomfortable on the too short couch. Sady whispered to Bea and the little girl reached out and pulled on his hair. He opened one eye, then sat up with both eyes wide open, rubbing his face. "I'm going to have nightmares about that you know," he told Sady.

  "Doesn't look like your two-hour power nap helped," she stated flatly.

  "I agree." He flopped back and closed his eyes.

  "Your turn, Argus," Sady said with a nod in Matt's direction. Argus wasn't as gentle as Bea. He nearly pulled out a fistful of Matt's hair. Matt scowled at Sady with bloodshot eyes.

  "Time for breakfast, kids. That means you as well, Matt. Coffee's on and the cereal is out. Feed the kids while I have a shower." She left the room before he could protest. When she finished her shower, she found him slumped over his coffee cup. She gave him a jab. "Turn that frown upside down," she said in a cheery voice.

  He muttered something under his breath and Argus looked at Sady, his eyes wide. "Aw, he said a naughty word," he told on Matt.

  Matt said another one when Sady smacked his arm. She made him apologize to the children while she tried not to laugh.

  "Argus, what happens when your daddy says a naughty word?" she asked with a glint in her eye.

  "Our mom makes him write 'I will not say naughty words' 500 times. Then I count to make sure he doesn't cheat." Argus took his duties seriously.

  "Can you count to 1,000?" Sady asked while Matt protested.

  Argus hesitated and Matt said, "NO. I won't write it 1,000 times."

  "Okay, 500 it is," Sady told him sweetly. "You can have your shower when you finish. I'll have Argus count them while you're getting ready. Uh, uh," she warned when he opened his mouth. "Argus might not be able to count, but I can. You need to learn to be a good boy."

  "You WILL pay for this," he promised Sady as Argus handed him a paper, a pencil, and a small pencil sharpener. The pencil had teeth marks, and the eraser was ragged from chewing. Matt looked at it in disgust.

  "Don't you know it's not good to chew on pencils?" Matt asked Argus and Bea.

  Bea nodded and Argus said, "That's what our mom keeps telling Daddy when he has to write sentences. He writes a lot of sentences with that pencil."

  Matt closed his eyes and silently mouthed words. The kids looked at Sady. "What's he doing?"

  "I think he's praying," she lied.

  "Our Daddy prays out loud. He says Jesus Christ and God a lot when he prays. But sometimes he adds words that aren't in the Bible. Then he has to write more sentences."

  Matt's face turned red and Sady giggled. He gave her a foul look when she asked if he ever went to Sunday school.

  "No," he snapped. "That's why I don't know the good words from the bad words."

  "Well, we will remind you when you forget, right kids?" They nodded at Matt with smiles.

  He bared his teeth at Sady and told them thanks, then he started his sentence writing. When he finished, he shook his fingers and told Sady he'd never be able to shoot straight again.

  "You couldn't shoot straight to begin with," she teased. "Now go take your shower. Argus needs time to count."

  Matt looked relaxed when he returned from his shower. Then Argus told him he had to write 23 more sentences. Matt's face became pinched but sat down to finish his sentences. The pencil lead snapped and Matt sharpened the end. He put the tip to the paper and a small piece fell onto the paper. Matt sharpened it again and the same thing happened. He shook the pencil.

  "The lead's all broken inside," he told Sady with a smile.

  "Use a pen," she suggested.

  "Oh, no. It HAS to be a pencil, doesn't it, Bea?" Argus asked his sister. Bea nodded and they both stared at Matt.

  "Well, get me another pencil then," he told Argus.

  "We don't have any more. They are on the shopping list. We don't buy more than we use because it's a waste of trees."

  Sady put her hand over Matt's mouth when he asked what the damn paper was made of. He pulled her hand off his mouth and told Argus to get him a colored pencil.

  "Those can only be used in coloring books," he told Matt solemnly.

  "Well, then how the..." Sady had her hand over his mouth again. She picked up the tiny bit of pencil lead and told Matt to stuff it. He was ready to blow up by the time he finished writing his sentences with the little bits of broken pencil lead stuffed into the end of the pencil. It took him over a half hour to write those 23 sentences.

  He stood up and sent his chair over with a crash. Then he went to the balcony and slammed the sliding door behind him. Sady turned on the radio so the kids wouldn't hear what he yelled to the world. She was sure he would qualify for a bulk discount on office supplies if he had to write 500 sentences for every naughty word he said out there.

  While he cooled off Argus recounted the sentences and waited just inside the sliding door for Matt’s return.

  "I'm sorry, sir. I miscounted. You had written 502 sentences the first time," Argus apologized. Sady doubled over with laughter and Matt headed out onto the balcony again. He returned ten minutes later looking like a beaten man.

  Bea was so distracted that she didn't warn Sady she needed the potty. The smell alerted them all. Matt gave Sady a smirk as she took Bea to change her diaper.

  Chapter 8

  "If anyone shows up with weapons, I volunteer to get shot first," Matt whispered when Sady brought Bea back.

  "Just hand them the diaper pail," she suggested. "I need to add air freshener to her shopping list. I should add a diaper pail as well. I wonder if she’d believe me if I told her the last one broke. You'd better leave her some money because I wrote little girl underwear on her list as well. What size were they?" she asked from the kitchen.

  "How should I know?" he asked.

  "Because Amanda told you to look. Now go down to her room and find out what size she wears."

  "Well, she's three years old so she should wear a size three," he reasoned.

  "It doesn't work that way. In my pageant days I wore a size four," she told him.

  "That explains a lot," he retorted.

  "Still waiting," she yelled. "And I heard that last remark. I'm keeping a tally. Loser takes Amanda for a night of refreshments."

  Matt hopped up and stomped to Bea's room and checked her drawer. "Size four," he told Sady, ignoring her smirk. The nervous tic was back in his jaw.

  "Stop that," Sady yelled slapping her now twitching left eye. "Now look what you started." She began giggling and Matt gawked at her.